In this, my triumphant return to the Linebreak blog, I’ll just say it: I sympathize with the artists on Cracked’s list of “5 Musicians Who Need to Find Something New to Sing About“.

Granted, this is only because I’m notoriously guilty of writing no fewer than 3 kinds of poems. True story. So, at least, I sympathize to some minimal degree, which is to say mostly as a knee-jerk reaction.

Comfort me: Are there poets besides me who ought to do anything it takes - anything – if it means new subject matter? What are your habitual poem topics? Which cliches need to stop immediately? (For example: Are you going to hunt down a dog next time you read the word “ether”? Tired of Salt Lake City  and midnight buffets showing up in Poetry – often in the same poem? I know I am.)

Help these tired poets: Comment sections exist for several reasons, and this is one of them. Use an alias if you must – like Judger McJudgerson. Or, you know, one that’s clever at all.

My Advice:

1. Cage a Jameson scholar in your office – one specializing in the theorist, the whiskey. Better: Specializing in both. 2. Pick up an adderall-driven prostitute problem. 3. Launch a mad quest, following the pirate map you drew on the back of a Wendy’s napkin three years ago, to rediscover Dr. Phil; keep in mind that this effort should be rooted in the good Christian guilt resulting from mass-murdering bluejays with an automatic pellet gun. Yes. Or not?

I’ll stop, having already been more than disturbing enough for reason. I don’t want to alienate more of our readers than I ought.

Apologies to the world-in-general. (So much sorrow fills me!)